Cross wired
by 7.06andcounting
Summary: Steve's thoughts as he sees Evie with Tim, at Dally's wake. Yeah, tie in to 'Our Kind', Chapter 4, the scene at Buck's from Steve's POV.


**A/N: I nearly forgot, I promised a few people Steve's POV of the wake at Buck's! Goes with the end of Chapter 4 of 'Our Kind'. I couldn't post it at the same time, because it would have been spoilers to what was going on with Steve and if Evie didn't know, neither could readers. ;)**

**To recap, after Dallas's funeral, Evie is driven to the wake at Buck's by Tim. At that point Steve and Evie are broken up and have not spoken for a couple of weeks...**

* * *

Oh, man, this ain't good. This ain't good at all.

I got a buzz going but I ain't so crocked that I didn't see that clear enough. Okay, she moved. But maybe that was coincidence, maybe she was gonna move anyway and she just didn't realize he was leaning in to kiss her.

_He was leaning in to kiss her. _

Fucking Tim Shepard just put the moves on my girl. Only she ain't my girl no more and that's nobody's fault but mine. Shoulda seen this coming. Saw the look of triumph in his eyes at the cemetery, when she said she'd go with him.

"Yeah, fine, whatever." I don't even know what Two-Bit just offered to get me from the bar. Not whatever that liquid crap in his hip flask was, that's the only positive I can think of. Where does he get that moonshine? He can't be lifting it.

Soda has the sense to tell him no, he's had enough. He's drinking Coke now. Probably a good idea. He's a happy drunk, usually, just gets more crazy, more _Soda_. Nobody's happy today though, and I've seen him blitzed and sad – when his folks went, and the day Sandy left – and it ain't pretty.

Too late for me though. I was sad before I started drinking and I sure as hell ain't cheered up any by the thought of Tim Shepard going after Evie.

It feels like minutes since I could've gone to her and held her and she would've made me feel better. It feels like years ago since I actually did.

When Johnny got jumped, she was the only person I could think of, the only person I could talk to...Shit. I'm stupid. _Don't think about that night, that was the night we..._

Not gonna look over there. Just not gonna do it.

Wish I could've gone to her after the rumble. After Dallas. _Don't think about that either...not him and not Johnny...just stop thinking...drink._

Don't look like Buck's taking cash at all. Wouldn't matter, I'd happily spend every cent I've got, and then some, to get enough booze in me today. Keeping up with Two-Bit ain't a challenge today.

Soda said, after his folks' accident, that when he woke up every morning, for a few seconds everything was okay, because he forgot they were gone. They were the best few seconds of his day.

Wish that would happen to me. Every morning I wake up seeing Dallas on the ground. Every night as I fall asleep, I think about Evie. I hate every second of every day.

I was so fucking sure. When I heard about Sandy, when I realized Evie knew. I was so fucking sure that losing her was the right thing to do. But I might have thought about her more since then than I did when we were together.

I still think she knew. Which means somewhere along the line, she lied to me. Or she didn't tell me everything. Is that still lying? And if it is, does it matter? Does it even matter if she two-timed me, if I still want her so much?

See, I can still hear my old man clearly.

'_Broads lie.'_

But every time I do, I also hear her voice.

'_I love you, Steve.'_

And I hear her loudest. And maybe it ain't so obvious what the right thing is, anymore.

Maybe I understand why Dally took Sylvia back so many times. Maybe.

I'm slow, raising my glass to the latest toast to Dally. Remembering when we were here and he needled me about getting Evie another drink, the night she got loaded. I was right about stopping her, but it wasn't even about that, Dally was just getting his kicks. He'd helped her out, from under that Soc's nose. Never thanked him properly. Wish I'd thanked him properly.

Wish I could see him, sitting at that table, that fucking irritating smirk on his face. Not lying on the ground in a pool of light. A pool of blood. _Don't think about it, stop thinking about it...drink._

Two-Bit's telling a good story about Dally. I ain't sure it's entirely true, but it's a classic. Don't know if he knows how hard it hit me, when he said Evie wasn't doing good. When I found out he'd seen her and seen she was hurting and that was down to me. I was ashamed of myself and so I did what I always do when I can't afford for anyone to see how I really feel. I yelled. Told him to mind his own fucking business. Made out like nothing and no one mattered to me.

A teacher once threatened me, that if I said the words 'I don't care' to her one more time, she would make me write them out a thousand times. Guess what I told her?

Maybe if I write them a thousand times today it'll come true.

Christ, that last drink might've been one too many. Soda's heading out back, so I might as well tag along, get some fresh air. Shepard's on his own at his table. Good. That's fucking good.

For some reason, Soda wants to sit on the stairs, that's cool, but I need air. Need to not hear any more stories about Dally, not be reminded about the fact that we put him in a hole in the ground today and he ain't here to listen. Can't think about that.

I need to fill my lighter, it ain't catching right, takes me a few goes to light up. But then it takes me a few drags to steady my hand, so maybe it ain't the lighter.

And now the door's opening, that'd be right. When I wanted to be by my fucking self..._Oh._

Jesus fucking Christ. She looks so pretty.

This was what I wanted. This was what I hoped for. She ain't with him, she ain't with anyone.

She ain't with me.

Can't say anything but her name, can't do anything but reach out to her. Christ, I missed her. _I miss her._

I never told her how good her hair smells. Sometimes, when I got home after dropping her back at her place, I could hardly get out of the car, for how much it still smelled like her. Like her hair, her scent, _like us_ if we'd been up at the lake. And I would want to turn around and drive right back, it would make me so hot for her all over again.

Fuck, I need to kiss her. So bad. I need to hold her, to know that she's still mine, that's she's gonna understand, gonna still love me back. If tell her everything. Every reason why I was wrong and even if I wasn't, it don't matter, because I still want her back, still need her back, still...

_Shit!_

Okay, my ribs ain't all the way healed but...what the fuck? _Ow_.

Wait. She said what?

_She's gonna what?_

* * *

**A/N: Ha! If he hadn't been so out of it, he might have articulated his thoughts properly instead of hacking her off and then...'Our Kind' would have been a lot shorter :)**


End file.
